I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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