Midget sex pt 2 tonight
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
