A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize