i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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