I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
