I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
