she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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