the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Congratulations! We have a period
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