He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You took a bar mat shot.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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