Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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