I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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