It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
