I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
