I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
