i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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