I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
