Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
FUCK WHALES
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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