If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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