How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Floor bacon is actually really good
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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