Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
