What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
