I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
