I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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