My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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