Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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