Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
