and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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