dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
