With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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