Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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