At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
