Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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