My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
