Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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