My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
