apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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