When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
We had to coat check the pizza.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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