How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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