Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
