new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
