I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
