DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We have started to decorate penises.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I can't turn off my feet"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
