My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
