i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
