Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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