I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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