Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
