it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize