Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
