it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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