please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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