i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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