If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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