That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
