I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
