You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
