How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
she told me i tasted like america
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
